Manchester United and the curse of neutrality

Reader, I am confused.

For as long as I have been watching football, I’ve hated Manchester United. I’ve really, properly hated them. Far more so than Portsmouth (I’ve hardly ever been inspired to more than indifference in that regard) – and, I admit, probably more than I’ve ever loved “my” club, Southampton.

I’ve witnessed United play frequently-dazzling football and win trophy after trophy, each one giving me a horrible sickening feeling. The mere mention of the word ‘United’ would prompt an internalised “ugh”, instinctively and with some gusto.

But I’ve noticed lately … that’s gone.

Why now? I’ve never been short of reasons to dislike the club. My formative football years were spent watching the Red Devils ruthlessly mullering all comers (the first season I saw, 1998-99, ended with them winning the treble), which firmly established them as the evil empire against whom any team became Luke Skywalker – albeit usually the Luke of The Empire Strikes Back, casually brushed aside by Darth Vader.

I instantly disliked Alex Ferguson (no Sir back then), with his grouchiness, contemptuous demeanour and that incessant bloody gum-chewing. He always seemed to get the extra time that his side needed and insisted on signing and fielding the largest assortment of unlikeable and downright ugly players that I could see.

Roy Keane, Gary Neville, Jaap Stam, Ruud van Offside, Rio Ferdinand … I hated them all. I dismissed David Beckham as a smug, irritating pretty-boy before he left Old Trafford and I was duly converted, though he was very much the exception to the rule. The problem, of course, was that all of them were exceedingly, consistently good and I never got to see them endure a suitable comeuppance.

Michael Owen delivering a sharp, uncomfortable prod to my childhood - Source: Gordon Flood, Flickr

Then came Cristiano Ronaldo, who did the impossible and made me detest United even more. I shan’t risk derailing myself by explaining in depth why he summoned such revulsion from me – I imagine that the reasons are obvious to you, simply multiply them by a thousand – but suffice to say that his transfer to Real Madrid was one of the happiest days of my life as a fan. I notice while writing that it was around that time at which I became an all-out Barcelona fan, a connection which I hadn’t made until now …

Perhaps the prancing prat’s departure was the beginning of the change in my attitude towards Manchester United.

Or was it Michael Owen’s arrival? In the same summer, my footballing hero signed for the enemy. It is no exaggeration to say that Owen’s goal against Argentina in World Cup 98 is the sole reason behind my love of football. I had taken no real interest in the other games in that tournament but his scintillating, weaving run and finish grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and told me in no uncertain terms that I now adored this sport. I immediately idolised Owen, declaring myself a Liverpool fan (that one didn’t take, its ghost finally dispelled upon my first visit to St Mary’s), and to see him putting on the ‘wrong’ red shirt 11 years later was horrifying.

Maybe he softened United’s image for me, but his general lack of playing time still cushions the blow. It’s very easy to pretend that Michael Owen has nothing to do with Old Trafford.

More pertinent, I think, are the emergences of Chelsea and Manchester City as true forces. At first, I had lapped up the Roman Abramovich revolution as it brought Jose Mourinho to England – what a man – but, with the Portuguese long gone, the Blues are now just another side who one day picked up a ridiculous injection of cash. I don’t dislike them, but I certainly don’t particularly care what happens to them (sorry, Dad).

And City … City are a curious case. I can forgive them a lot on account of Mario Balotelli, unquestionably the most brilliant thing about modern football, and David Silva, a true artist of the game.

They remain, however, an incredibly unromantic concept for a neutral such as myself. All I’m doing, essentially, is watching somebody else play Football Manager, having used the editor tool to give themselves infinite money. It’s only interesting for about 20 minutes when you’re the one playing, for crying out loud. Another team whom it’s hard to really enjoy watching take home their artificial glories.

And so I find myself in this position where Manchester United, despite the Glazers, feel more genuine and worthy of respect than many of their rivals. It’s uncomfortable, watching this side whom I remember that I should be hating, and just … not. I certainly don’t particularly like them, but I can’t muster the enthusiasm to object so strenuously any more.

It’s happening to more than just the team itself. I’ve guiltily had a go at managing United on FM and rather enjoyed it. Even Gary Neville – Gary Neville – is an appealing, insightful pundit whose presence I welcome. These are things that I would have considered nightmarish not long ago.

I suppose it’s a good thing that my bias is ebbing away as I begin regular employment in football journalism, but I can’t help feeling that a core part of my footballing self was stolen without my noticing. In a way, I shall miss it.

Wait, what’s that? A 97th-minute winner? Ugh.

World Cup Guide: Group G Preview

GROUP G

BRAZIL

FIFA World Ranking: 1

Team Colours: Yellow shirts with green trim, blue shorts, white socks. Away kit is blue shirts with yellow trim and pattern, white shorts, blue socks.

Manager: Carlos Caetano Bledorn Verri is better known as Dunga (“Dopey”, after the dwarf) and is the second of two managers, next to Maradona, who is looking to emulate Franz Beckenbauer by winning the World Cup as a manager having lifted it as captain. His tactics are exactly what you would expect from the former battling midfield player – the most defensive Brazilian side in many years, with two holding midfielders who contribute little to the attacking play. In fairness to Dunga, this is as much influenced by the resources at his disposal as it is by his own nature. Look out for one or two hideous shirts that he wears because his daughter is a fashion designer.

Form: Brazil had no real trouble in topping the South American qualifying table but were criticised by many demanding fans for the run of form through the middle of the campaign that saw three consecutive goalless draws at home against Argentina, Bolivia and Colombia. In early 2009, however, they really hit their stride and sealed qualification to their 19th World Cup (they are the only team to have taken part in every tournament) with a dominant 3-1 win away in Argentina. Their only warmups for this competition have been routine victories against Zimbabwe and Tanzania, in which Brazil have scored 8 goals.

Captain: Originally a winger before retraining as a youth player to centre-back, Lucio is now the most solid rock in an already sturdy Brazilian back line. The Inter man, 32, has already won the World Cup with the Selecao eight years ago and was appointed captain by Dunga following the Germany tournament. At that tournament he set the record for minutes played at World Cups without committing a foul, going for an astonishing 386 minutes spanning two tournaments. Now a treble winner, Lucio will be determinedly aiming to make this the best possible season by securing the biggest prize of all once again.

Key Man: Kaka hasn’t had a very good season for his new club Real Madrid, struggling to pin down his identity in the team and get a run of form going, but he is still the vital piece of the Brazilian puzzle. He’ll play just behind Luis Fabiano, the Sevilla striker who is my bet for the Golden Boot, and in this generation of Brazilian players who are perhaps not as universally gifted as some of their recent predecessors, he’s the one man who really can do anything he wants with a football. Brazil will do well whether Kaka shines or not, but if he can find the form that he lost over the last year, their campaign will really come alive.

Man to Watch: You have to be a ludicrously good footballer to keep Dani Alves out of any team’s right-back slot, but Inter favourite Maicon, likely heading to join Kaka at Real after the tournament if the Special One gets his way, is just that good. Like Alves, he’s such a force of nature that playing a right midfielder really isn’t all that necessary, as he can somehow be a brick wall at the back and bomb down the wing to devastating effect seemingly without breaking a sweat. He’s an incredible athlete and I can’t see any opposition left-back at this tournament keeping him quiet.

Prediction: Built on organisation and athleticism more than flair, Brazil are as formidable as ever and will pose the sternest test to Spain for the Jules Rimet trophy. They are not invincible, though – while they do play with two holding midfielders the personnel they will be employing in that position (Gilberto Silva and Kleberson – yes, that Kleberson, who was rubbish for Manchester United a few years ago) are a little underwhelming. But Julio Cesar has matured into one of the world’s best keepers, they have the world’s two best right-backs, and Luis Fabiano has become one of the top poachers in world football without anyone really noticing. I still feel that Spain have the edge in squad depth and in midfield, but until the two meet in the final I don’t see anyone stopping Brazil.

Squad List:

Goalkeepers

1. Julio Cesar (Inter)

12. Gomes (Tottenham)

22. Doni (Roma)

Defenders

2. Maicon (Inter)

3. Lucio, captain (Inter)

4. Juan (Roma)

6. Michel Bastos (Lyon)

13. Dani Alves (Barcelona)

14. Luisao (Benfica)

15. Thiago Silva (A.C. Milan)

16. Gilberto (Cruzeiro)

Midfielders

5. Felipe Melo (Juventus)

7. Elano (Galatasaray)

8. Gilberto Silva (Panathinaikos)

10. Kaka (Real Madrid)

17. Josue (Wolfsburg)

18. Ramires (Benfica)

19. Julio Baptista (Roma)

20. Kleberson (Flamengo)

Forwards

9. Luis Fabiano (Sevilla)

11. Robinho (Manchester City)

21. Nilmar (Villarreal)

23. Grafite (Wolfsburg)

NORTH KOREA

FIFA World Ranking: 105

Team Colours: Red shirts with white trim, red shorts, red socks. Away kit is the inverse.

Manager: I’m going to warn you now, this is going to be a short preview, because I’m pretty in the dark about North Korea. Anyway, Kim Jong-Hun is 53 and he favours a disciplined, pragmatic approach to tactics. That’s about as much as I, and apparently the official FIFA World Cup website, know.

Form: North Korea had to dispatch some reasonably handy Asian teams to reach the finals, including Iran and Saudi Arabia, and were a real surprise package, coming through every round of qualifying and meeting rivals South Korea in the third and fourth rounds. Results between the two were close, with two draws and then, in their final meeting, a 1-0 victory for South Korea in Seoul, after which Kim Jong-Hun suggested that the South Koreans had poisoned his team. I’m starting to like this guy. Their friendlies have ended with a surprising 2-2 draw with Greece and a more predictable 3-1 defeat at the hands of Nigeria.

Captain: Hong Yong-Jo is the only North Korean in the squad to be based outside of Asia (and one of only three based outside of North Korea, with two in Japan). The FC Rostov forward scored four in four in qualifying, although he only has three in thirty for his new club. There are no stats for how well he did in North Korea for the brilliantly-named club 25 April, though, so for all I know he’s a lethal predator.

Key Man: Goalkeeper Ri Myong-Guk was nominated for the 2009 Asian Footballer of the Year award after his heroic display in the qualification-sealing draw with Saudi Arabia, and my word, North Korea are going to need him this summer.

Man to Watch: Jong Tae-se is an interesting story. The “People’s Rooney” (I’m not joking) is so named for his stocky build and hard-working attitude and scores plenty too, with 15 in 22 for his national side. He was originally South Korean but renounced his country and got himself a North Korean passport from the embassy in Japan, where he plays his football for Kawasaki Frontale. He apparently had a trial with an unnamed Premier League side in January this year, so maybe he could earn himself a move to Europe with a good enough flight from this sinking ship.

Prediction: To be honest, I have no idea, but it strikes me as unlikely that North Korea will pick up a single point in this group. They may be focused on defense and disciplined but Luis Fabiano in the opening match, let alone the rest of the Brazilian squad, should take them apart. They should fulfill well the role of comedy team, though, having already had their plan to register forward Kim Myong-Won as one of their three goalkeepers foiled by FIFA. They’re now stuck with Kim only being allowed to play in goal, so I’m hoping for red cards for both their main keepers in the first game so we can see how he does in his new role. On a more serious note, if North Korea score a goal, they should be delighted.

Squad List:

Goalkeepers

1. Ri Myong-Guk (Pyongyang City)

18. Kim Myong-Gil (Amrokgang)

20. Kim Myong-Won (Amrokgang)

Defenders

2. Cha Jong-Hyok (Amrokgang)

3. Ri Jun-Il (Sobaeksu)

5. Ri Kwang-Chon (April 25)

8. Ji Yun-Nam (April 25)

13. Pak Chol-Jin (Amrokgang)

14. Pak Nam-Chol (Amrokgang)

16. Nam Song-Chol (April 25)

21. Ri Kwang-Hyok (Kyonggongop)

Midfielders

4. Pak Nam-Chol (April 25)

6. Kim Kum-Il (April 25)

11. Mun In-Guk (April 25)

15. Kim Yong-Jun (Pyongyang City)

17. Ahn Young-Hak (Omiya Ardija)

19. Ri Chol-Myong (Pyongyang City)

22. Kim Kyong-Il (Rimyongsu)

23. Pak Sung-Hyok (Sobaeksu)

Forwards

7. An Chol-Hyok (Rimyongsu)

9. Jong Tae-se (Kawasaki Frontale)

10. Hong Yong-Jo, captain (FC Rostov)

12. Choe Kum-Chol (Rimyongsu)

IVORY COAST

FIFA World Ranking: 27

Team Colours: Orange shirts with green trim, white shorts, green socks. Away kit is green shirts with white trim and white horizontal stripes (with their own orange trim) cut off at the right shoulder, white shorts, white socks.

Manager: The Ivory Coast sacked previous manager Valil Halilhodzic after a disappointing quarter-final finish for the most hyped African team in the world at the Africa Cup of Nations in January, leaving themselves with the quandary of whom to appoint to bring together a divided dressing room full of egos and madmen. But they projected a dollar sign into the night sky, and lo! Sven-Man is here to save the day! Yes, it’s everyone’s favourite womanising underachiever, Sven-Goran Eriksson who is charged with organising this talented group of players into a team that can break out of the Group of Death.

Form: The Ivorians were a real letdown at the Cup of Nations but steamrolled their group without losing a game, although the toughest test in that group was Guinea. Didier Drogba was on incredible form, scoring six in five and salvaging results in a couple of hard-fought matches against Burkina Faso and Malawi. Their friendlies have been up and down – a 2-2 draw over Paraguay decent, a 2-0 win over Japan pretty good, but most recently a 1-1 draw with Swiss second division side Lausanne not good at all.

Captain: Talismanic striker Didier Drogba is desperate to play in what will surely be his last chance at a World Cup despite the broken bone in his elbow that seriously threatens his participation. We know he’s one of the world’s best strikers and we know he is absolutely vital to his country’s hopes to getting out of this tough group, but even if he does make it onto the field will he still be in the condition required to make an impact? For the sake of the competition (and the fact that I drew the Ivory Coast in my patented http://www.random.org sweepstake), I hope so.

Key Man: If Drogba is short of his potential this summer than Sven will look to his probable strike partner Gervinho for goals. The Lille striker has scored one every two games this season and has more guile and creativity than Drogba, though he is less of a one-man battering ram.

Man to Watch: Pay attention to versatile defender/midfielder Romaric, who will probably be employed as a playmaker in this Ivorian team. I would expect him to be the most advanced of a midfield trio alongside Didier Zokora and Yaya Toure, allowing Gervinho and Salomon Kalou to flank Drogba.

Prediction: For my money, everything depends on Drogba’s fitness. If he’s fit and his elbow doesn’t bother him, I think the Ivory Coast will get out of this group, but if not, I don’t think they’ll have enough to push Portugal out of the way. I can’t see them overcoming Spain in the second round though.

Squad List:

Goalkeepers

1. Boubacar Barry (Lokeren)

16. Aristide Zogbo (Maccabi Netanya)

23. Daniel Yeboah (Abidjan)

Defenders

2. Benjamin Angoua (Valenciennes)

3. Arthur Boka (Stuttgart)

4. Kolo Toure (Manchester City)

6. Steve Gohouri (Wigan)

17. Siaka Tiene (Valenciennes)

20. Guy Demel (Hamburg)

21. Emmanuel Eboue (Arsenal)

22. Sol Bamba (Hibernian)

Midfielders

5. Didier Zokora (Sevilla)

9. Cheick Tiote (FC Twente)

12. Jean-Jacques Gosso (Monaco)

13. Romaric (Sevilla)

14. Emmanuel Kone (International)

18. Abdul Kader Keita (Galatasaray)

19. Yaya Toure (Barcelona)

Forwards

7. Seydou Doumbia (CSKA Moscow)

8. Salomon Kalou (Chelsea)

10. Gervinho (Lille)

11. Didier Drogba (Chelsea)

15. Aruna Dindane (Lekhwiya)

PORTUGAL

FIFA World Ranking: 3

Team Colours: Red shirts with green trim and a green horizontal stripe, white shorts, green socks. Away kit is white with green trim and two vertical stripes, one green and one red, green shorts, white socks.

Manager: Former manager of the host nation, Carlos Quieroz has had a rocky time of it since taking over as Portugal coach in 2008. He’s overseen their most frustrating qualifying period for some time and doesn’t look entirely comfortable as the top man rather than an assistant, in much the same way that he did when he was briefly in charge of Real Madrid a few years ago before skulking back to Fergie at Old Trafford.

Form: Qualifying was pretty horrific for Portugal, with very little cohesion and nearly avoiding even making it into the playoffs. Denmark beat them to the automatic qualification and they only finished a point ahead of Sweden and three ahead of Hungary. Among other lowlights were a 0-0 home draw with lowly Albania, and two nil-all draws with Sweden. Their friendlies have been improving – a pretty poor 0-0 draw with Cape Verde has been followed with more comforting wins over Cameroon and Mozambique, but Portugal are yet to be tested by a seriously good side, and therein lies the worry.

Captain: Now, for the most part of this blog, I will do my best to be unbiased, but I’m sorry, when it comes to this man, I can’t do it. Cristiano Bloody Ronaldo is to my mind the most odious man on the planet, a smug, arrogant cheating little rat. But I suppose he’s a pretty decent footballer. It doesn’t seem like Quieroz has figured out the best way to build the team around him yet, and at times he’s been the only man to have salvaged points for Portugal in qualifying. Another incredible goalscoring season, this time 26 in 29 for Real Madrid, means Ronaldo is the key man for his team, but in past major tournaments he hasn’t really shone. Let’s hope the same happens again for the obnoxious git.

Key Man: This may be an odd choice, but in a group filled with attacking firepower (and North Korea), Portugal need goalkeeper Eduardo to step up. The Braga man was behind Quim in the pecking order but since making his debut last year has won 15 caps and managed to force Quim out of the squad altogether, leaving Portugal with a very inexperienced group of keepers. Behind Eduardo, Beto and Daniel Fernandes have just 3 caps between them. Eduardo needs to marshal a potentially shaky defence if Portugal are to avoid being high-profile casualties.

Man to Watch: Venezuelan-born attacking midfielder/second striker Danny could be a breakout star for Portugal this summer. Probably playing behind Brazilian Liedson, he’s quick and nimble and scored ten goals last season for St. Petersburg side Zenit. Manchester United fans will remember him for scoring the winner in the Super Cup against them in 2008.

Prediction: Same thing I said for the Ivory Coast – if Drogba is fit then I can see Portugal failing to escape this group, as they have talent in their traditional areas (on the wings with Ronaldo and Simao, behind the striker with Danny) but leave something to be desired in midfield and defence. Exciting, dynamic players like Joao Moutinho have been left out of the midfield in favour of Deco, who rarely exerts any influence these days, and Tiago, who was never all that in the first place and has been passed around the European leagues trying to find a club where he can make an impression. My money is on Portugal to exit at the first opportunity, and I look forward to seeing poor ickle Ronnie have a good cry about it.

Squad List:

Goalkeepers

1. Eduardo (Braga)

12. Beto (Porto)

22. Daniel Fernandes (Iraklis)

Defenders

2. Bruno Alves (Porto)

3. Paulo Ferreira (Chelsea)

4. Rolando (Porto)

5. Duda (Malaga)

6. Ricardo Carvalho (Chelsea)

13. Miguel (Valencia)

15. Pepe (Real Madrid)

21. Ricardo Costa (Valencia)

23. Fabio Coentrao (Benfica)

Midfielders

8. Pedro Mendes (Sporting CP)

10. Danny (Zenit St. Petersburg)

14. Miguel Veloso (Sporting CP)

16. Raul Meireles (Porto)

19. Tiago (Atletico Madrid)

20. Deco (Chelsea)

Forwards

7. Cristiano Bloody Ronaldo, captain (Real Madrid)

9. Liedson (Sporting CP)

11. Simao (Atletico Madrid)

17. Ruben Amorim (Benfica)

18. Hugo Almeida (Werder Bremen)

Woy for Number 10?

Last night was a historic one, an awesome one, a euphoric one. Fulham came from behind to defeat Hamburg to reach their first ever European final. So I definitely made the wrong choice by watching the Prime Ministerial debate instead.

The debate, however, did make me think about the man who has masterminded Fulham’s frankly ludicrous success story, Big Woy Hodgson, in that he reminds me a lot of the Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg – both unasahamed Europhiles, having gained experience on the continent, both traditionally ignored for the big awards by the same old big names, both taking their opportunities to outperform the supposed heavyweights on television. The question is, though, would Woy get my vote?

So here it is, I’m calling a snap election. One Premier League manager has to step up and run the country. Should Woy be packing his bags for 10 Downing Street? Let’s meet some of the other candidates:

Carlo Ancelotti – A bit of a Gordon Brown-a-like in that whenever you mention his party, people think of his glitzy predecessor. Questions over where the money’s been coming from (and, of late, where it’s all gone) might make his a slightly shady candidacy.

Alex Ferguson – The irritatingly successful leader of a deeply unlikeable party, Fergie is clearly the David Cameron of this election. He’ll probably win but it’ll be a sad day when he does.

Arsene Wenger – Would bring in excellent employment opportunities for young people, but his promises of policies for the future have got to take effect someday soon, because people are already becoming wary. A respected statesman abroad as well. He is French, though, so nobody will vote for him.

‘Arry Redknapp – With his alleged tax-evading antics and “spiritual home – oh, more money you say? Bye” bollocks prove that ‘Arry would be well suited to the corruption and lies of modern politics. His government would be an unstable one, though, as he constantly brings in new players onto the front bench.

Martin O’Neill – A charismatic leader with a tough policy on immigration – job opportunities almost exclusively for the English. His initiatives might lose momentum after a few months, though, and progress could be slow.

Roberto Mancini – Charismatic, stylish and having recently developed a craving for stupid amounts of money, Mancini is the Tony Blair of this election.

Rafa Benitez – Would almost certainly have won the election five years ago, but his sanity is unravelling publicly as behind the scenes the party is in chaos. Not a safe vote.

David Moyes – The long-serving leader of a smaller party, Moyes would probably do an excellent job in Number 10 but will have trouble spending enough on PR to snatch more than a few seats in the Commons.

Sam Allardyce – Any ground he might gain campaigning on a “back to basics” slogan would be undone by his complete unsuitability for the TV debate format.

Tony Pulis – Seems to have Gordon Brown’s temper when the cameras are off. Too much indiscipline in the ranks to mount a successful campaign.

Gianfranco Zola – A bit like the Green party, nobody’s going to come out and openly condemn Zola and what he stands for, but, face it, he’s not going to win anything any time soon.

Iain Dowie – Well, let’s be honest, nobody’s going to vote for that face, are they? (Although I suppose they said that about Nick Griffin…)

Avram Grant – Doing a hopeless job with dignity as his party crumbles around him. He’ll probably be disqualified by the time the polls open, but everyone will be wishing they could be voting for him instead.

If only Jose were here, eh?